#10

  Her sound is weak. She is wearing a white dress which is her mom Amanda made for her.


  Today is Monday that I quit the business school for several weeks. I could not accept to keep so close to others and especially takes a course. For me, taking courses is really hard. Since I am afraid of answering teachers' questions and staying in the class represents that I will still be alone and stay out of the class. All my classmates will stay away from her since I am a cripple. I am kinds of adapting that situation but I feel wired since that is the strong way to tell me that I am so different, and I could not accept that mother and brother fight because of me. "Just leave me alone." I thought. I do not want to influence others' life especially Tom since I think I am a burden for him. I know that Tom wanna leave. Instead of going to the class, I prefer to walk in the park and think about anything.Today I am observing ants while they are moving their food. I feel relax when I stay alone and walk in the park since I could do whatever I want. There is no mother's nagging here even though I acknowledge it is a way that mom takes care of them. But I still need more personal space like now.I start to think about why ants live in the group and the ant queen questions. I feel happy for these animals even though I do not understand what they are saying. Also, there is no related to them anymore. The relationship makes me feel relax.  My life will not change because of them. I do not like changing since It means that I need to adopt new situation. I am totally different from Tom since Tom likes adventure.  Tom is still working for his life. But there is no hope for my own life. I do not think about future because the best future that I could think is I stay with my mother. Tom leaves for his dream.Mum finds a new gentleman call or a job so I could live at least.
   Today is Tuesday. I was walking again in the park.  Mom and Tom fight again because of some little things. I don't know why are arguing with each other every day. Also, Mom is keeping talking me about the gentleman caller even though I have no except with that. Sometimes, mum just ignores my feelings and thoughts. She would like to do everything that she thinks is right but never think about whether I want it or not.

  Today is Wednesday, mum mention the gentleman caller again this morning, all about her memories. I like her facial experiment when she mentions her pass. She looks really happy during that time, I mean in her dream. I think that is the reason why she wants me to find a gentleman and marry him immediately since she wants me to be happy with her before. However, it seems like she does not listen to my words. I said that I don't want to marry, but in order to make her happy, I might try.

Life is always routine. This is a raining Thursday. There are no funny things left instead of playing with my glasses. When I was playing with my glass which stimulates me a lot. The unicorn is the same species with me. It different with other horse since its horn. It does not belong to the horse group, just like I do not belong to the world. At the same time, I hear mothers' sound when she is walking, so I hide the unicorn immediately. But mom still finds that I was playing with my unicorn. Also, there's one huge problem for me since Mum has already known that she drops from the business school. Mom seems like really mad at me. Actually, I feel guilty a lot, both of mum and Tom. They contribute to me a lot but I still could do anything. Sometimes I hate my sensitive and useless. However, there is no way for me to solve that.

Friday has no difference with other days, Tom goes back from the movie and every time he shows me what he was watching and there are lots of interesting things such as magical performance. They are pretty fun, but I won't go there since I dislike a place with crowded people. I'm afraid talking with them. I can feel Tom's happiness when he is talking these kinds of "adventure." He must be really want to leave the house, I think. Since he is fighting with mum every day. He has to bear mum's nagging, and also supporting the family. I know the most important reason for him to stay is that of me, but I feel guilty for him. It's better for him to achieve his dream instead of staying the house. I have to do something.

    It is a sunny Saturday, but this morning, Tom fights with mother again, I'm kinds of realizing the severity. At the same time, I know that their big fight due to her marriage. Actually, I do not except marriage anymore. However, the feeling makes her upset. I think that I am not only the burden for Tom but also the largest conflict between mother and Tom. So, I must do something to change the situation. I think knows that mum wants to do the best thing to us. But she always uses her way and thinks nothing about our feelings. At the same time, she insists her opinion forever and never thinks about her fault. So the only way for her to do is having a conversation with Tom.

On Sunday,, I go to talking with Tom and asks him to apologize for Amanda. I think probably Tom will listen to me since I am his sister. At the same time, I tell Tom that I know that she wants to leave. Tom seems like to be surprised at what I was talking. But I just tell all my inner opinions to him about that. I feel guilty that I trapped Tom. I don't mind wehther he leaves and chase his dream. I could live in the world as a cripple. I mean, even though I am different from others since mum doesn't like this words. Sometimes I feel this is best way for the family---Tom's leaving. After telling Tom what I was thinking, I think he definitely will think about my words. It's better for both mum and him. I hope there's no arguing between them again since I feel afraid when they are fighting. They look so mad at each other. That's make me uncomfortable. The family is not a family already.